The Tangent Series
Episode 2
Forgiveness
NOT The Lobotomy You Hoped For
_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Forgiveness—it’s a cornerstone of Christianity, expected (or perhaps even demanded) by all,
but mastered by few. It’s a topic I hold close to my heart, particularly because of how often I’ve
been misled about its true nature. This won’t be the last time I write about it, and I can only
scratch the surface here. But I will say this much, my misunderstanding of forgiveness created a
vision of God that I just could not reconcile with. I’m overjoyed that I was wrong.
There have been times when the idea of forgiveness has left me feeling numb, like I wasn’t cut
out for this Christianity thing. Like I didn’t have what it takes to be a “real” Christian—one with a
heart so soft that I could just let harms fade away, oblivious to the added weight they strapped
to my soul. In Chapter NINE of my book, Blaming God – A Victim’s Journey, I wrestled deeply
with the call to forgive harm done to my daughter. I thought I had forgiven. But I couldn’t feel the
release or peace that’s often promised with forgiveness.
We were still living in the aftermath. We were paying the price. And the ripples of that pain were
turning into waves that wouldn’t stop crashing.
Yasmin Mogahed once said, “The mind replays what the heart can’t delete.” I was no where
near deleting anything. How could I? Between doctor’s appointments, lab visits, and emotional
breakdowns, it was impossible to pretend the harm hadn’t happened.
And then there was another layer I didn’t understand—the crossover between the call to forgive
and the call to be a peacemaker. How could I reconcile these two? No matter how I approached
it, guilt and shame crept in, telling me I wasn’t “doing it right.”
Forgiveness seemed to demand something from me that I wasn’t capable of giving.
_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
The Command to Forgive
We all know the passage from Matthew 18:22, where Peter asks Jesus how many times he
should forgive someone who sins against him. Jesus responds, “I tell you, not seven times, but
seventy-seven times.” If you’ve heard it once, you’ve heard it a million times. But no matter how
many times you hear it—it doesn’t quite sink in the way it was meant to.
Why? Maybe because of who is usually saying it. Too often, this verse is quoted by those who
have caused harm, looking for instant release from their guilt. It’s become more of a religious
instruction to sweep pain under the rug—leaving those harmed feeling dismissed. And that just
hits wrong.
Honestly? That’s not what a wounded heart wants to hear. Where is the justice in that? What
about the God of wrath spoken of in other passages?
• Romans 12:19 (NIV): “Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath,
for it is written: ‘It is mine to avenge; I will repay,’ says the Lord.”
• Deuteronomy 32:35 (NIV): “It is mine to avenge; I will repay. In due time their foot will slip; their
day of disaster is near and their doom rushes upon them.”
• 2 Thessalonians 1:6 (NIV): “God is just: He will pay back trouble to those who trouble you.”
Shall I go on?
And what of His anger toward those who harm His children, as seen in:
• Jeremiah 23:1 (NIV): “Woe to the shepherds who are destroying and scattering the sheep of
my pasture!” declares the Lord.
• Isaiah 49:25-26 (NIV): “I will contend with those who contend with you, and your children I will
save.”
Surely, God promises protection. Yet, we are commanded to forgive again and again. Why is so
little value placed on those who suffer? Something about this whole forgiveness thing just feels
off. It doesn’t make sense.
_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Do We Know We Are the Apple of His Eye?
Scripture tells us that we are precious to God. But sitting in the position of the “harmed” makes
that hard to believe. How can we be harmed and protected at the same time? I just don’t
understand. It feels like the whole idea of being "precious" gets canceled out by the pain we
endure.
How can this same God, who asks me to forgive wrongs done to me and my family—repeatedly,
to infinity—also say that I, that you, are the apple of His eye? Zechariah 2:8 even confirms this,
“For whoever touches you touches the apple of His eye.”
But do we fully grasp what that means? Do we know what it means to be the apple of God’s
eye?
I’m going to leave this thought lingering here, while we take a deeper dive into understanding
how we have been led astray regarding forgiveness and what God is really asking of us, and
what He’s promising in return.
_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Forgiveness vs. Forgetting
Here’s where the misconception often lies—confusing forgiveness with forgetting. It’s as if
"letting it go" means we’ll never remember the hurt again. Isn’t that what forgiving over and over
is supposed to look like?
The problem is that many of us, including myself, have been misled into believing that once we
forgive, the pain will vanish, and we’ll never remember it again. We wait for the relief, but it
doesn’t come.
Forgiveness is not a magical erasure of memory or pain. It does not mean that the harm done to
us will be forgotten. There is no lobotomy.
This confusion can even be used against us by those who’ve harmed us—turning forgiveness
into a tool for gaslighting. Those who’ve betrayed or wronged us—whether a disloyal spouse, a
deceitful colleague, or anyone who’s caused harm—can twist forgiveness to soothe their own
guilt, hoping it will free them from accountability. But once they understand the truth about
forgiveness... well, that changes the whole song and dance, doesn’t it?
It’s fair to say that in our flawed humanity, the one who caused harm may hope forgiveness will
be their get-out-of-jail-free card. That by forgiving them, they’re instantly released from guilt and
responsibility.
Boy, do I have news for them.
_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
From the East to the West
Where do we even get this idea that forgiveness means forgetting, and why does it stick to us
so stubbornly? It feels like, to add insult to injury, we’re told in Psalm 103:12, “As far as the east
is from the west, so far has He removed our transgressions from us.”
So let me get this straight—someone can harm me repeatedly, and Jesus calls for this never-
ending cycle of forgiveness. And on top of that, He essentially says, “Don’t worry—I won’t
remember their sins anyway!”
To someone who’s been harmed, this sounds like, “Just forgive the ones who hurt you, forget it
all, and move on.” But what happens to our pain? Our distress? It starts to feel like
abandonment. Forgotten by who? Forgotten by God?
That’s not the Father I imagined.
But sure, no need for distress, right? This is the narrow road, the one we’re told to walk as
Christians. It’s supposed to be hard, and we’re told we should embrace it. It’s the life of faith, the
road less traveled. We’re up for it, right? Completely equipped for the task...
Or so we’re told.
_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
The Omitted Direction
Before we get too carried away—something I’m known for—let’s pause. My daughter did name
this series "The Tangent Series" for a reason. She knows her mama!
Now, let’s address to whom the psalmist was speaking in that widely quoted verse, Psalm
103:12. This promise wasn’t made to just anyone—it was spoken to the people of Israel. Psalm
103 is a psalm of thanksgiving and reflection on God’s grace. But why were the Israelites being
honored with such a promise?
What is it that leads to forgiveness of sins? And what role does repentance play?
Acts 3:19(NIV) “Repent, then, and turn to God, so that your sins may be wiped out, that times of
refreshing may come from the Lord.”
2 Chronicles 7:14 (NIV) “If my people, who are called by my name, will humble themselves and
pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven, and I will
forgive their sin and heal their land.”
Luke 24:46-47 (NIV): “He told them, ‘This is what is written: The Messiah will suffer and rise
from the dead on the third day, and repentance for the forgiveness of sins will be preached in
his name to all nations, beginning at Jerusalem.’”
1 John 1:9 (NIV): “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and
purify us from all unrighteousness.”
Proverbs 28:13 (NIV): “Whoever conceals their sins does not prosper, but the one who
confesses and renounces them finds mercy.”
So then, what does scripture say about the “terms” of forgiveness? Look at the words—repent,
turn, if, seek, confess. These are verbs of action, not idleness.
Repentance is more than feeling regret. It’s about turning away from sin and toward God, a
change of heart and direction, aligning ourselves with His will. Without repentance, forgiveness
is incomplete.
The Israelites acknowledged their need for God’s mercy, and it is in this context of humility and
repentance that God offers His forgiveness. This is the removal of our sins “as far as the east is
from the west.”
On a side note, we are also called to restitution, as seen in Leviticus, Ezekiel, and Luke. There
is a biblical mandate to make amends, to repair the harm caused whenever possible. This is far
from a “get out of jail free” card.
So here’s the real question: Has the one who harmed you repented?
_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
The Call to Pray for Mercy
Let’s revisit the fact that the Father calls us “the apple of His eye.” Now, let's take this truth and
apply it to the call to forgive, as children of God.
Matthew 18:6 says, “If anyone causes one of these little ones—those who believe in me—to
stumble, it would be better for them to have a large millstone hung around their neck and be
drowned in the depths of the sea.”
Wow. If we truly believed we were the apple of His eye, we might even pray for mercy on those
who’ve harmed us. Wouldn’t we?
If you're struggling with how to respond to the call to forgive, know that God understands your
heart. If you’re suffocating under the weight of harm done to you, hear this:
Who are His children? “Those who believe in me.” Do you believe in Him? Are you His child?
Psalm 103:14 reminds us, “For He knows how we are formed, He remembers that we are dust.”
God isn’t surprised that we struggle to forgive or that we crumble under the weight of harm. He
created us.
1 Corinthians 13:12 reminds us, “For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall
see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.”
_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
The Full Picture of Forgiveness
We often talk about grace and forgiveness in Christianity because it’s a sweet story—especially
for the guilty. But the full gospel also includes repentance, remorse, and restitution. Both the
harmed and the guilty are called to humility.
The one who has been harmed and the one who has harmed are called to surrender their
burdens to God. The one harmed is asked to release bitterness and trust God for justice. The
one who harmed must repent, acknowledge their sin, and make amends.
God’s forgiveness offers us a fresh start, but it doesn’t undo the harm that’s been done.
Forgiveness heals the heart, but it doesn’t erase the past. There is no time machine, no reversal
of wrongs, only the opportunity for both parties to walk forward in humility and faith.
Forgiveness does not negate the consequences of sin. Colossians 3:13 tells us to “bear with
each other.”
If forgiveness were simply about forgetting, what would there be to bear with?
When you find yourself struggling with the weight of unforgiveness or the false belief that
forgiving means forgetting, take heart. Christ knows your pain, and He invites you to rest in His
promise: “Give it to me, I will avenge you. Rest, child, I have it.”
Forgiveness is not the lobotomy we hoped for—it’s much more powerful. It’s a healing of the
heart and a surrender to God’s justice.
Forgiveness doesn’t deny harm—it acknowledges it.
Both forgiveness and repentance are God’s protection over His children.
Forgiveness—it’s a cornerstone of Christianity, expected (or perhaps even demanded) by all,
but mastered by few. It’s a topic I hold close to my heart, particularly because of how often I’ve
been misled about its true nature. This won’t be the last time I write about it, and I can only
scratch the surface here. But I will say this much, my misunderstanding of forgiveness created a
vision of God that I just could not reconcile with. I’m overjoyed that I was wrong.
There have been times when the idea of forgiveness has left me feeling numb, like I wasn’t cut
out for this Christianity thing. Like I didn’t have what it takes to be a “real” Christian—one with a
heart so soft that I could just let harms fade away, oblivious to the added weight they strapped
to my soul. In Chapter NINE of my book, Blaming God – A Victim’s Journey, I wrestled deeply
with the call to forgive harm done to my daughter. I thought I had forgiven. But I couldn’t feel the
release or peace that’s often promised with forgiveness.
We were still living in the aftermath. We were paying the price. And the ripples of that pain were
turning into waves that wouldn’t stop crashing.
Yasmin Mogahed once said, “The mind replays what the heart can’t delete.” I was no where
near deleting anything. How could I? Between doctor’s appointments, lab visits, and emotional
breakdowns, it was impossible to pretend the harm hadn’t happened.
And then there was another layer I didn’t understand—the crossover between the call to forgive
and the call to be a peacemaker. How could I reconcile these two? No matter how I approached
it, guilt and shame crept in, telling me I wasn’t “doing it right.”
Forgiveness seemed to demand something from me that I wasn’t capable of giving.
_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
The Command to Forgive
We all know the passage from Matthew 18:22, where Peter asks Jesus how many times he
should forgive someone who sins against him. Jesus responds, “I tell you, not seven times, but
seventy-seven times.” If you’ve heard it once, you’ve heard it a million times. But no matter how
many times you hear it—it doesn’t quite sink in the way it was meant to.
Why? Maybe because of who is usually saying it. Too often, this verse is quoted by those who
have caused harm, looking for instant release from their guilt. It’s become more of a religious
instruction to sweep pain under the rug—leaving those harmed feeling dismissed. And that just
hits wrong.
Honestly? That’s not what a wounded heart wants to hear. Where is the justice in that? What
about the God of wrath spoken of in other passages?
• Romans 12:19 (NIV): “Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath,
for it is written: ‘It is mine to avenge; I will repay,’ says the Lord.”
• Deuteronomy 32:35 (NIV): “It is mine to avenge; I will repay. In due time their foot will slip; their
day of disaster is near and their doom rushes upon them.”
• 2 Thessalonians 1:6 (NIV): “God is just: He will pay back trouble to those who trouble you.”
Shall I go on?
And what of His anger toward those who harm His children, as seen in:
• Jeremiah 23:1 (NIV): “Woe to the shepherds who are destroying and scattering the sheep of
my pasture!” declares the Lord.
• Isaiah 49:25-26 (NIV): “I will contend with those who contend with you, and your children I will
save.”
Surely, God promises protection. Yet, we are commanded to forgive again and again. Why is so
little value placed on those who suffer? Something about this whole forgiveness thing just feels
off. It doesn’t make sense.
_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Do We Know We Are the Apple of His Eye?
Scripture tells us that we are precious to God. But sitting in the position of the “harmed” makes
that hard to believe. How can we be harmed and protected at the same time? I just don’t
understand. It feels like the whole idea of being "precious" gets canceled out by the pain we
endure.
How can this same God, who asks me to forgive wrongs done to me and my family—repeatedly,
to infinity—also say that I, that you, are the apple of His eye? Zechariah 2:8 even confirms this,
“For whoever touches you touches the apple of His eye.”
But do we fully grasp what that means? Do we know what it means to be the apple of God’s
eye?
I’m going to leave this thought lingering here, while we take a deeper dive into understanding
how we have been led astray regarding forgiveness and what God is really asking of us, and
what He’s promising in return.
_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Forgiveness vs. Forgetting
Here’s where the misconception often lies—confusing forgiveness with forgetting. It’s as if
"letting it go" means we’ll never remember the hurt again. Isn’t that what forgiving over and over
is supposed to look like?
The problem is that many of us, including myself, have been misled into believing that once we
forgive, the pain will vanish, and we’ll never remember it again. We wait for the relief, but it
doesn’t come.
Forgiveness is not a magical erasure of memory or pain. It does not mean that the harm done to
us will be forgotten. There is no lobotomy.
This confusion can even be used against us by those who’ve harmed us—turning forgiveness
into a tool for gaslighting. Those who’ve betrayed or wronged us—whether a disloyal spouse, a
deceitful colleague, or anyone who’s caused harm—can twist forgiveness to soothe their own
guilt, hoping it will free them from accountability. But once they understand the truth about
forgiveness... well, that changes the whole song and dance, doesn’t it?
It’s fair to say that in our flawed humanity, the one who caused harm may hope forgiveness will
be their get-out-of-jail-free card. That by forgiving them, they’re instantly released from guilt and
responsibility.
Boy, do I have news for them.
_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
From the East to the West
Where do we even get this idea that forgiveness means forgetting, and why does it stick to us
so stubbornly? It feels like, to add insult to injury, we’re told in Psalm 103:12, “As far as the east
is from the west, so far has He removed our transgressions from us.”
So let me get this straight—someone can harm me repeatedly, and Jesus calls for this never-
ending cycle of forgiveness. And on top of that, He essentially says, “Don’t worry—I won’t
remember their sins anyway!”
To someone who’s been harmed, this sounds like, “Just forgive the ones who hurt you, forget it
all, and move on.” But what happens to our pain? Our distress? It starts to feel like
abandonment. Forgotten by who? Forgotten by God?
That’s not the Father I imagined.
But sure, no need for distress, right? This is the narrow road, the one we’re told to walk as
Christians. It’s supposed to be hard, and we’re told we should embrace it. It’s the life of faith, the
road less traveled. We’re up for it, right? Completely equipped for the task...
Or so we’re told.
_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
The Omitted Direction
Before we get too carried away—something I’m known for—let’s pause. My daughter did name
this series "The Tangent Series" for a reason. She knows her mama!
Now, let’s address to whom the psalmist was speaking in that widely quoted verse, Psalm
103:12. This promise wasn’t made to just anyone—it was spoken to the people of Israel. Psalm
103 is a psalm of thanksgiving and reflection on God’s grace. But why were the Israelites being
honored with such a promise?
What is it that leads to forgiveness of sins? And what role does repentance play?
Acts 3:19(NIV) “Repent, then, and turn to God, so that your sins may be wiped out, that times of
refreshing may come from the Lord.”
2 Chronicles 7:14 (NIV) “If my people, who are called by my name, will humble themselves and
pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven, and I will
forgive their sin and heal their land.”
Luke 24:46-47 (NIV): “He told them, ‘This is what is written: The Messiah will suffer and rise
from the dead on the third day, and repentance for the forgiveness of sins will be preached in
his name to all nations, beginning at Jerusalem.’”
1 John 1:9 (NIV): “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and
purify us from all unrighteousness.”
Proverbs 28:13 (NIV): “Whoever conceals their sins does not prosper, but the one who
confesses and renounces them finds mercy.”
So then, what does scripture say about the “terms” of forgiveness? Look at the words—repent,
turn, if, seek, confess. These are verbs of action, not idleness.
Repentance is more than feeling regret. It’s about turning away from sin and toward God, a
change of heart and direction, aligning ourselves with His will. Without repentance, forgiveness
is incomplete.
The Israelites acknowledged their need for God’s mercy, and it is in this context of humility and
repentance that God offers His forgiveness. This is the removal of our sins “as far as the east is
from the west.”
On a side note, we are also called to restitution, as seen in Leviticus, Ezekiel, and Luke. There
is a biblical mandate to make amends, to repair the harm caused whenever possible. This is far
from a “get out of jail free” card.
So here’s the real question: Has the one who harmed you repented?
_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
The Call to Pray for Mercy
Let’s revisit the fact that the Father calls us “the apple of His eye.” Now, let's take this truth and
apply it to the call to forgive, as children of God.
Matthew 18:6 says, “If anyone causes one of these little ones—those who believe in me—to
stumble, it would be better for them to have a large millstone hung around their neck and be
drowned in the depths of the sea.”
Wow. If we truly believed we were the apple of His eye, we might even pray for mercy on those
who’ve harmed us. Wouldn’t we?
If you're struggling with how to respond to the call to forgive, know that God understands your
heart. If you’re suffocating under the weight of harm done to you, hear this:
Who are His children? “Those who believe in me.” Do you believe in Him? Are you His child?
Psalm 103:14 reminds us, “For He knows how we are formed, He remembers that we are dust.”
God isn’t surprised that we struggle to forgive or that we crumble under the weight of harm. He
created us.
1 Corinthians 13:12 reminds us, “For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall
see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.”
_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
The Full Picture of Forgiveness
We often talk about grace and forgiveness in Christianity because it’s a sweet story—especially
for the guilty. But the full gospel also includes repentance, remorse, and restitution. Both the
harmed and the guilty are called to humility.
The one who has been harmed and the one who has harmed are called to surrender their
burdens to God. The one harmed is asked to release bitterness and trust God for justice. The
one who harmed must repent, acknowledge their sin, and make amends.
God’s forgiveness offers us a fresh start, but it doesn’t undo the harm that’s been done.
Forgiveness heals the heart, but it doesn’t erase the past. There is no time machine, no reversal
of wrongs, only the opportunity for both parties to walk forward in humility and faith.
Forgiveness does not negate the consequences of sin. Colossians 3:13 tells us to “bear with
each other.”
If forgiveness were simply about forgetting, what would there be to bear with?
When you find yourself struggling with the weight of unforgiveness or the false belief that
forgiving means forgetting, take heart. Christ knows your pain, and He invites you to rest in His
promise: “Give it to me, I will avenge you. Rest, child, I have it.”
Forgiveness is not the lobotomy we hoped for—it’s much more powerful. It’s a healing of the
heart and a surrender to God’s justice.
Forgiveness doesn’t deny harm—it acknowledges it.
Both forgiveness and repentance are God’s protection over His children.