Q1: In your book, you describe a period when you felt that God neither cared for you nor protected you, and even laughed at you and denied you justice. What experiences led you to develop this worldview?
A: In my book, Blaming God - A Victim's Journey, I describe a time in my life when I believed that God neither cared for me nor protected me. I often referred to this as a deistic view, where I believed in God but felt He was aloof—distant and unconcerned with my suffering. This worldview wasn’t formed in a vacuum; it was the result of a series of experiences during my childhood and early teens that led me to question not only the goodness of God, but His very nature. Essentially, it was the world’s reflection of God that created my “worldview” of Him.
A Childhood God
As a child, I was immersed in the comforting teachings of Sunday school, where we sang songs like “Jesus Loves the Little Children.” Its well-known verse read, "Jesus loves the little children, all the children of the world. Red and yellow, black and white, they are precious in His sight. Jesus loves the little children of the world." These words painted a picture of a God who cherished and protected every child, regardless of who they were. It was a simple yet powerful message, one that promised I was loved, protected, and seen by a benevolent God.
However, the reality of my life starkly contrasted with this image of God. The actions of those around me—particularly those who claimed to be followers of Christ—began to distort my understanding of who God was. Some of those who should have embodied the love and protection of God instead became participants in the harm I endured or turned a blind eye to the injustice I faced, as I detailed in my book. This dissonance between what I was taught and what I experienced became the foundation for my growing belief that God was distant, indifferent, or worse, complicit in my suffering.
Faith as a Cover for Harm
One of the most painful aspects of my journey was witnessing how some individuals used their faith as a cover for behaviors that were anything but Christ-like. This small but significant fraction of people twisted the teachings of Jesus to suit their own purposes, often leaving deep scars on those they were supposed to guide and protect.
A prime example of this distortion is the misinterpretation of the biblical proverb, “Spare the rod, spoil the child.” This phrase, often cited to justify corporal punishment, has been widely misused. Many have interpreted it to mean that physical discipline, even to the point of harm, is a divine mandate. However, this is a gross misunderstanding of biblical discipline, which is rooted in love, guidance, and correction—not in causing pain or fear. I delve into this topic more deeply in Chapter Eleven of my book, titled “Exploiting the Rod.”
Interestingly, the phrase itself doesn’t even originate from the Bible but rather from a 17th-century poem by Samuel Butler titled Hudibras. The true intent of biblical discipline is akin to a shepherd using a rod to guide and protect the sheep, not to harm them. When adults misinterpret or misuse Scripture, especially in the context of child-rearing, it can create a distorted view of God as harsh, punitive, and unloving—far from the caring Father described in verses like Matthew 18:10, where Jesus says, “See that you do not despise one of these little ones. For I tell you that their angels in heaven always see the face of my Father in heaven.”
The Impact of Betrayal on a Child’s View of God
As a child, my view of God was directly shaped by the actions of the adults around me. I placed my trust in the belief that those who claimed to follow Christ would embody His teachings of love, justice, and protection. However, when I stood in the courtroom, placing my hand on the Bible, I swore an oath to tell the truth, and I did. But others who professed to love Christ did the same, only to participate in allowing harm against me. They supported my abuser, denied the truth of my pain, and contributed to the denial of justice.
This left me feeling abandoned—not just by my community, but by God Himself. Where does one find a good God in the presence of abuse and the absence of justice? A heart that is harmed often gets stuck in that position, and if the harm is associated with God, it can sever the relationship between a child and their divine Creator, leaving the child feeling utterly forsaken.
The Struggle with God’s Goodness
How could a child, with an immature mind, not yet capable of understanding the complexities of manipulation and deceit, reconcile this harsh reality with the idea of a good and loving God? The question of God’s goodness became central to my struggle. If God is not good, how can He be trusted? And if I cannot trust God, how can I have a relationship with Him? Why would I even want a relationship with Him?
These experiences led me to wrestle with two fundamental questions: “Do I believe in God?” and “Is God good?” For many years, my answer to the latter was a resounding 'no.' Belief in God alone was not enough to sustain a relationship with Him because I did not believe He was good. Without the belief in God’s goodness, there can be no trust, and without trust, a genuine relationship with God is impossible.
Often, we take the simple act of believing in God and mistakenly equate it with having true faith. This can lead us astray, falling into the deception that mere belief in God automatically means “good.” However, as James 2:19 reminds us, “You believe that there is one God. Good! Even the demons believe that—and shudder.” Belief alone does not equate to faith; it is the belief in God’s goodness that forms the foundation of trust and relationship. When the actions of those who claim to represent Christ are in direct opposition to His teachings, it creates a chasm between belief and experience, making it nearly impossible to see God as good.
The Painful Process of Deconstructing Faith
If this distorted view of God is cemented in childhood, it becomes the mother tongue spoken throughout one’s life. As Proverbs 22:6 teaches, "Start children off on the way they should go, and even when they are old they will not turn from it." This verse emphasizes the profound impact of early spiritual guidance. However, when a child is not raised in the true understanding of God's love and goodness—when they are instead exposed to a distorted image of God—it can have devastating effects. This distorted "language" of faith becomes deeply embedded, making it incredibly difficult to learn a new, accurate understanding of who God truly is. The foundation laid in childhood often determines the path one follows, and when that foundation is cracked or misaligned, the resulting beliefs can lead to a lifetime of spiritual struggle and confusion. I was definitely on this path.
The process of deconstructing my faith—examining and breaking down these harmful and distorted beliefs—was incredibly painful, but it was necessary. I had to confront the false images of God that I had believed to be true. I took each circumstance and brought it back to the Bible, searching for the truth of what Scripture actually teaches. Was what I had seen truly reflective of God, or was He being misrepresented? This process was like riding an emotional wave. I understand how deconstructing faith can lead to deconversion. I did not think I would ever find my way back to the position of even liking God, let alone trusting Him. It’s hard to separate God from those who represent Him. Moreover, understanding suffering is complex, and I’ll be the first to admit that I’m not sure I’ll ever fully comprehend it on this side of heaven. But it was my relentless questioning and digging that eventually allowed me to find a faith rooted in a true understanding of God’s nature, separate from the misrepresentations I had been exposed to.
Fruits of the Spirit
It’s important to note that while my journey involved deep hurt caused by a small fraction of Christians who misrepresented Christ, this does not define all of Christianity. Most Christians strive to live out Christ’s teachings with integrity, love, and compassion. However, the actions of those who misuse their faith can have devastating effects, especially on vulnerable individuals like children who are still being molded and shaped. We cannot underestimate the powerful impact that behavior has on a child’s perception of God—whether it comes from family members or strangers, inside or outside the home. The common saying, “Do as I say, not as I do,” carries no weight in reality, especially when it comes to shaping a child’s understanding of faith.
Some people who are considering a relationship with Christ or are curious about Him may be deterred by issues such as misogyny, distortions around views of submission, the misuse of forgiveness to justify abuse, or the deliberate cover-up of heinous crimes by those in religious authority. These are real and pressing concerns that cannot be ignored.
As Galatians 5:22-23 reminds us, “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.” Our lives are supposed to reflect these fruits of the Spirit. If we examine our behaviors and find they don’t align with these qualities, it’s a strong indication that God’s Spirit is not being reflected in our actions.
Rebuilding a Relationship with God
Through the painful but necessary process of deconstructing harmful beliefs and digging deep to learn the true nature of God’s character, I have begun to heal and rebuild a relationship with Him based on trust and a genuine understanding of His goodness. It has taken me into adulthood, with the perspective that comes with maturity, to fully grasp why my view was so distorted.
Have you ever wondered if your own beliefs about God might be based on a misunderstanding or a distorted view?
A Childhood God
As a child, I was immersed in the comforting teachings of Sunday school, where we sang songs like “Jesus Loves the Little Children.” Its well-known verse read, "Jesus loves the little children, all the children of the world. Red and yellow, black and white, they are precious in His sight. Jesus loves the little children of the world." These words painted a picture of a God who cherished and protected every child, regardless of who they were. It was a simple yet powerful message, one that promised I was loved, protected, and seen by a benevolent God.
However, the reality of my life starkly contrasted with this image of God. The actions of those around me—particularly those who claimed to be followers of Christ—began to distort my understanding of who God was. Some of those who should have embodied the love and protection of God instead became participants in the harm I endured or turned a blind eye to the injustice I faced, as I detailed in my book. This dissonance between what I was taught and what I experienced became the foundation for my growing belief that God was distant, indifferent, or worse, complicit in my suffering.
Faith as a Cover for Harm
One of the most painful aspects of my journey was witnessing how some individuals used their faith as a cover for behaviors that were anything but Christ-like. This small but significant fraction of people twisted the teachings of Jesus to suit their own purposes, often leaving deep scars on those they were supposed to guide and protect.
A prime example of this distortion is the misinterpretation of the biblical proverb, “Spare the rod, spoil the child.” This phrase, often cited to justify corporal punishment, has been widely misused. Many have interpreted it to mean that physical discipline, even to the point of harm, is a divine mandate. However, this is a gross misunderstanding of biblical discipline, which is rooted in love, guidance, and correction—not in causing pain or fear. I delve into this topic more deeply in Chapter Eleven of my book, titled “Exploiting the Rod.”
Interestingly, the phrase itself doesn’t even originate from the Bible but rather from a 17th-century poem by Samuel Butler titled Hudibras. The true intent of biblical discipline is akin to a shepherd using a rod to guide and protect the sheep, not to harm them. When adults misinterpret or misuse Scripture, especially in the context of child-rearing, it can create a distorted view of God as harsh, punitive, and unloving—far from the caring Father described in verses like Matthew 18:10, where Jesus says, “See that you do not despise one of these little ones. For I tell you that their angels in heaven always see the face of my Father in heaven.”
The Impact of Betrayal on a Child’s View of God
As a child, my view of God was directly shaped by the actions of the adults around me. I placed my trust in the belief that those who claimed to follow Christ would embody His teachings of love, justice, and protection. However, when I stood in the courtroom, placing my hand on the Bible, I swore an oath to tell the truth, and I did. But others who professed to love Christ did the same, only to participate in allowing harm against me. They supported my abuser, denied the truth of my pain, and contributed to the denial of justice.
This left me feeling abandoned—not just by my community, but by God Himself. Where does one find a good God in the presence of abuse and the absence of justice? A heart that is harmed often gets stuck in that position, and if the harm is associated with God, it can sever the relationship between a child and their divine Creator, leaving the child feeling utterly forsaken.
The Struggle with God’s Goodness
How could a child, with an immature mind, not yet capable of understanding the complexities of manipulation and deceit, reconcile this harsh reality with the idea of a good and loving God? The question of God’s goodness became central to my struggle. If God is not good, how can He be trusted? And if I cannot trust God, how can I have a relationship with Him? Why would I even want a relationship with Him?
These experiences led me to wrestle with two fundamental questions: “Do I believe in God?” and “Is God good?” For many years, my answer to the latter was a resounding 'no.' Belief in God alone was not enough to sustain a relationship with Him because I did not believe He was good. Without the belief in God’s goodness, there can be no trust, and without trust, a genuine relationship with God is impossible.
Often, we take the simple act of believing in God and mistakenly equate it with having true faith. This can lead us astray, falling into the deception that mere belief in God automatically means “good.” However, as James 2:19 reminds us, “You believe that there is one God. Good! Even the demons believe that—and shudder.” Belief alone does not equate to faith; it is the belief in God’s goodness that forms the foundation of trust and relationship. When the actions of those who claim to represent Christ are in direct opposition to His teachings, it creates a chasm between belief and experience, making it nearly impossible to see God as good.
The Painful Process of Deconstructing Faith
If this distorted view of God is cemented in childhood, it becomes the mother tongue spoken throughout one’s life. As Proverbs 22:6 teaches, "Start children off on the way they should go, and even when they are old they will not turn from it." This verse emphasizes the profound impact of early spiritual guidance. However, when a child is not raised in the true understanding of God's love and goodness—when they are instead exposed to a distorted image of God—it can have devastating effects. This distorted "language" of faith becomes deeply embedded, making it incredibly difficult to learn a new, accurate understanding of who God truly is. The foundation laid in childhood often determines the path one follows, and when that foundation is cracked or misaligned, the resulting beliefs can lead to a lifetime of spiritual struggle and confusion. I was definitely on this path.
The process of deconstructing my faith—examining and breaking down these harmful and distorted beliefs—was incredibly painful, but it was necessary. I had to confront the false images of God that I had believed to be true. I took each circumstance and brought it back to the Bible, searching for the truth of what Scripture actually teaches. Was what I had seen truly reflective of God, or was He being misrepresented? This process was like riding an emotional wave. I understand how deconstructing faith can lead to deconversion. I did not think I would ever find my way back to the position of even liking God, let alone trusting Him. It’s hard to separate God from those who represent Him. Moreover, understanding suffering is complex, and I’ll be the first to admit that I’m not sure I’ll ever fully comprehend it on this side of heaven. But it was my relentless questioning and digging that eventually allowed me to find a faith rooted in a true understanding of God’s nature, separate from the misrepresentations I had been exposed to.
Fruits of the Spirit
It’s important to note that while my journey involved deep hurt caused by a small fraction of Christians who misrepresented Christ, this does not define all of Christianity. Most Christians strive to live out Christ’s teachings with integrity, love, and compassion. However, the actions of those who misuse their faith can have devastating effects, especially on vulnerable individuals like children who are still being molded and shaped. We cannot underestimate the powerful impact that behavior has on a child’s perception of God—whether it comes from family members or strangers, inside or outside the home. The common saying, “Do as I say, not as I do,” carries no weight in reality, especially when it comes to shaping a child’s understanding of faith.
Some people who are considering a relationship with Christ or are curious about Him may be deterred by issues such as misogyny, distortions around views of submission, the misuse of forgiveness to justify abuse, or the deliberate cover-up of heinous crimes by those in religious authority. These are real and pressing concerns that cannot be ignored.
As Galatians 5:22-23 reminds us, “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.” Our lives are supposed to reflect these fruits of the Spirit. If we examine our behaviors and find they don’t align with these qualities, it’s a strong indication that God’s Spirit is not being reflected in our actions.
Rebuilding a Relationship with God
Through the painful but necessary process of deconstructing harmful beliefs and digging deep to learn the true nature of God’s character, I have begun to heal and rebuild a relationship with Him based on trust and a genuine understanding of His goodness. It has taken me into adulthood, with the perspective that comes with maturity, to fully grasp why my view was so distorted.
Have you ever wondered if your own beliefs about God might be based on a misunderstanding or a distorted view?